


Abhorrence in the Face of Adoration

by Airi (MultisFabulis)



Series: Corona's Shadow [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fantasy, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Love Epiphany, Romance, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23422705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MultisFabulis/pseuds/Airi
Summary: Love can reveal the parts of ourselves that we regard with utter disdain, the parts we don't want others to see, even to ourselves.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Series: Corona's Shadow [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1108800
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Abhorrence in the Face of Adoration

Ferreth stared up at the ceiling as he laid in bed, feeling frustratingly tired. His arms flared up in pain and he could only wait and beg for it to stop. It was like someone was chipping away at the embedded stones while they disregarded the agony they were putting him through. This was a hell he hated living in every time the weather turned cold because it meant sleepless nights of incurable pain till spring came around and even that wasn’t guaranteed. The only hope he had was that maybe living here instead of the mountains would make these times a little more bearable.

A nice, relaxing stroll through town could probably help. Nighttime walks were a good pastime of his whenever autumn descended upon Thornewind and he needed a distraction from the pain. It was a time he’d let his mind wander off and wear him down enough to conk out soon as his head hit the pillow. He sighed, rubbed a hand down his face, and headed out the door into the cool dark. 

Aurora Zenith was different from Thornewind at night. There were hardly any noises, save for the distant waves of the ocean and the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees, and not a soul to be seen for seemingly miles. The only sources of light he could see came from the orange glow of the lanterns in town and the radiance of the full moon high up in the sky. It was a new place, with winter right around the corner, but it still held the feeling of peace he felt up in the mountains. 

He looked around the town as he walked. The end of Noctovka marked his arrival here 3 months ago and he was still getting used to everything. Coming from a place where there were others like him all living in a cold and constant drizzle, this was certainly different for him. He liked the warmth, missed the liveliness of Thornewind, and still had no idea what he wanted to do in life. 

He had a couple ideas in mind but there were already people working those jobs that did them ten times better than he ever could. What good was there in having an amateur come in and screw everything up? At least he was making himself useful, both in training to become Eric’s guard and being the guy to do odd jobs around town. He still had time to figure it out so there wasn’t a need to stress about it. 

He was nearing the docks when he saw her. A gust of wind blew the hood of the black cloak she wore back, letting her long snow white hair out to cascade down her back as she shivered from the chill it brought. The little skin she showed seemed to glow under the moonlight, which made eyes the color of bloomed orchids stand out even more than in the day. She looked like an ethereal fairy almost and he was absolutely entranced. This was Ven, the woman who had him dancing around the palm of her hand and didn’t even know it. 

Things had somehow changed between them now. It’s not that they had gotten into an argument or did something the other didn’t like. He wasn’t sure on where she was but things were definitely different on his side. 

There was no denying that he had been attracted to her since the beginning of their friendship but this was deeper and longer than his average “crush”. She could be so unbelievably cute at times, like the way her eyes seem to sparkle when something catches her attention or when she has the most adorable smile on her face once she gets a whiff of a delicious sweet. He was amazed at how big her heart was for someone so small and at the strength she had, both physically and emotionally. 

There were times he’d find himself thinking about her. There had been days he’d be so consumed by his self-loathing and seeing her, being around her would quiet the voices telling him he was worthless. She saw something in him that he wished he could see in himself, something that could make him believe he had worth. He wanted to be with her, stay by her side, and never let her go. 

It honestly scared him to realize just how deep his feelings for her went. He’s never felt this way towards anyone before and it was scary. The question of her reaction to if and when she discovered these feelings weighed on his mind. Would she still want him to hang around her or would she demand he stay away from her? He wasn’t sure if he could take the latter option. 

He shook his head to stop thinking about that. He was probably just overreacting; this was probably a crush that was overstaying its welcome but would go away at some point. Besides, even if it wasn’t, who’s to say she’ll find out? He was good at deceiving others with his winning smile and charming wit. He’ll just continue on acting the way he’s always been and, eventually, things will go back to normal. He just needed to wait this out a little bit longer… 

Coming back to the present, he figured he may as well talk to her. Odds are, she was out here for the same reason he was. He began walking over to her, his light footsteps echoing in the still night. 

Her shoulders tensed up at the sound before relaxing once she saw where it was coming from. She always did that when she heard footsteps behind her and he had a sneaking suspicion of why that was. The little hints she’s dropped of her past from their earlier conversations gave him some unpleasant imagery he so hoped wasn’t the case. Just focus on the now, Ferreth, he told himself. 

“Oh, Ferret.” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear to stop it from blowing in the wind. “What are you doing out here?” 

He had long since given up on correcting her with his name. It became a lost cause once the first month passed and she was still calling him Ferret. It was a better nickname than Ferra, at least, so it was fine. 

“I couldn’t sleep so I figured to take a walk and see if that’d change anything,” he replied. “What about you?” 

“Eh, same,” she said with a small giggle. “I was actually thinking of going to the beach for a little bit and just walk around, clear my mind and stuff. Do you maybe want to join?” 

“Uh, sure, I’ll go.” 

So they walked down the cobblestone steps that led to the beach. He had been there only a handful of times since moving to Aurora Zenith but this would be his first nighttime visit. The pitch black ocean served as a mirror for the moon, its white light reflecting on the water far off in the distance. He could smell the salt the waves wafted as they rolled along the shore and soaked their feet. The winds carried a biting chill that ruffled through their hair and clothes, cooling them. It was already a peaceful place during the day but it was downright serene at night. 

“You know, I think this is my first time seeing you with your hair down,” he said, looking over to her. 

“Yeah, I only really wear it down when I’m going to bed,” she replied. 

“Why don’t you keep it down more often? You look beau---nice when it’s down.” 

“Eh, I doubt it. Besides, it’s more annoying than it’s worth. It gets caught on a lot of things and I can sit on it if I’m not careful. I should probably get it cut but I’m trying out a couple new styles for it and the ponytail’s working so far.” 

“Well, I think you’ll look good either way, long hair or not.” 

A scarlet blush tinted her cheeks and he had to tear his eyes away from her. It was always cute to see her blush from his compliments but this was different. He couldn’t explain why, it was just different. Maybe because if he didn’t, he would’ve said something stupid and embarrassed himself. 

Still, he wanted to say she looked beautiful with her hair down but she might’ve taken that as him flirting with her. He did that at the beginning of their friendship and stopped when he realized she had never been in that situation before. It didn’t feel right to keep going with it after that so he didn’t. 

She _was_ beautiful, though, even without her hair being down. Seeing it as it was now, a waterfall of pure white that stopped just at the small of her back, only added to it. He wondered what it’d be like to feel it, wishing he could run his fingers through the fine tresses, tangling the strands in-between into knots, gently tugging on the ends to draw her head up as he--- 

God, he wanted to slap himself right about now. He couldn’t be thinking those kinds of thoughts about her. She was his friend/crush/some other term that could be used to describe their relationship and how he felt towards her. The last thing she needed was him daydreaming about them being a couple like a creepy weirdo. That shit would drive her away quicker than he could blink. 

In an attempt to change the topic, he asked, “So, uh, if you don’t mind, why couldn’t you sleep?” 

“Oh, um…” She paused, seemingly troubled by her answer, “I suffer from nightmares. There’ll be nights where I have trouble going to sleep and, if that doesn’t happen, the nightmares will wake me up. Tonight happened to be one of those nights.” 

…Shit. That was NOT what he expected to hear. He could understand the insomnia part but nightmares? Knowing that little bit of information now only strengthened the suspicions he had of her past. It also gave an answer as to why she had dark shadows under her eyes. 

“That…sucks.” Nice job, dumbass. He wanted to ram his face into a wall for that terrible response. 

“I’ve had them for a while now so I’ve gotten used to them. It’s not like they can show me stuff that I haven’t already seen so…” 

“Well, if you want, you can come talk to me if they start to get worse. We don’t have to talk about them if you don’t want to, we can just hang out till you feel better, you know? Again, that’s if you want to, though.” 

“...I’ll think about it.” She let out a small smile. 

He was taken aback by that. She normally refused his help with anything so her actually taking his offer into consideration was progress. He knew he couldn’t do much, short of going inside her head and removing the bad dreams. If the best he could do was lend an ear, then he’d give it to her, no questions asked. 

“Um… Oh, are you going to the Solstice Ball?” she asked, her eyes filled with curiosity. 

“That’s next month, right? Uh, yeah, I’m gonna go,” he replied. “Are you planning on going?” 

“I-I don’t know. There’s gonna be a lot of people there and…” 

“Come on, it’ll be fun! There’ll be food, dancing, champagne… What’s not to like?” 

“It’ll be my first time going to a formal event like this. It may be fun to go to but I’d have to wear a really nice dress and I’ve never danced before and… I don’t think it’d be good for me.” 

“Look, think of it this way. This’ll be my first dance, too, and I’m gonna be going all out. Just imagine this handsome guy--” he gestured to himself-- “decked out in _the_ best suit while he completely embarrasses himself with his dance moves. I mean, I’m a good dancer but this is a different dance so you get what I’m saying.” 

“Still…I doubt I’d look good in a dress.” 

“Ven, believe me when I say you’ll look stunning, no matter what dress you wear.” 

“Really?” 

“Uh, yeah. I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.” 

He could just imagine it now. Ven arriving at the ballroom, all eyes drawn to her as she walks down the steps, wearing the most beautiful violet dress. Some of their gazes are filled with envy while others beguilement. She may not know it but everyone has become captivated with her. It’s too bad they’ll be brokenhearted to realize she wasn’t there for courtship. She was just there to have fun and if they couldn’t handle the rejection, then tough. 

Wow, she has got him messed up **bad**. While the stares of those who found her alluring would, of course, rile him up, it was only right they look at her like that. She was a beautiful woman and she should know it. Besides, she’d take care of anyone that overstepped her boundaries. 

“What about the dancing?” she asked. “I’ve never danced before and I’m probably gonna screw it up.” 

“Well, as I said before, I’ve never done a slow dance myself but--” he held out a hand to her-- “we could try together. Just save me the first dance, if you’re going, of course.” 

A few seconds passed before she giggled, put her hand in his, and said, “All right, I’ll go. I know it’ll be fun if you’re there and besides, I’m looking forward to seeing you in a suit, which’ll be nice, too.” 

Her hand felt cold yet soft in his. He was going to be holding it again when they danced and it only just hit him that they would be doing that. His mind began painting a picture of them slowly twirling around, dancing to the music. Their hands entwined, his other on her hip, and her fingers just at the crest of his shoulder. She was so small and delicate compared to him, he’d need to be careful when holding her. The aromatic scent of her perfume would hit his nostrils as he’d let himself get lost in her shimmering amethyst eyes and--- 

For the love of god, Ferreth, stop, he begged. These fantasies of his were quickly getting out of hand. Whatever _this_ was had become deeper than a crush and it fucking terrified him. This couldn’t be, shouldn’t be more than an infatuation but when did it grow into…? 

“Um, Ferret?” She stopped walking, still holding his hand. “Can I…tell you something?” 

“Y-yeah, what is it?” he asked, her voice ringing out like crystal amongst the cacophony in his head. 

“You’ve done a lot for me these past few weeks and I just want you to know that I appreciate it. You believe me, right?” 

“Of course. You don’t have to say anything for me to know you’re thankful.” 

“I know but I still wanted to say it. I appreciate all that you’ve done for me and I just wanna say--” she laid her other hand beside his-- “thank you, Ferreth.” 

Surprise and awe couldn’t begin to describe how he felt. That was the first time she ever said his name and it sounded so sweet and full of warmth. Her eyes looked at his in such earnest gratitude and her mouth was curved into the tenderest smile he had ever seen. She seemed to glow like an angel under the moonlight, she only needed wings sprouting from her back to match. 

Oh. 

_Oh_. 

That was when he understood, realized it. His fervent desire to be with her, his amorous daydreams of her, they had an answer. He was so, so stupid to ever think this was a crush. It may have started out like one but it became so much more than that in such a short time. 

He loved her. He _loved_ her. When did it happen? When did he fall for her? When did he begin to love her? All of these questions swirled around and around as he came to terms with how he felt about her. 

He loved Ven. He was in love with Ven. He loved her. 

Then cold, hard reality crashed down upon him. Worthlessness, self-disdain, and self-loathing he tried to keep hidden away came spewing forth like a geyser. He couldn’t be with her. The moment he fell for her was the moment she flew out of his reach to the other end of the chasm that now separated them. She was extraordinary, special, one of a kind, and what was he? A no-good, worthless dragon that could never be the man everyone wanted him to be. 

Kandorinth’s wretchedly arrogant voice resonated in his head, whispering affirmations of his meaningless existence into his ears. It made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end as biting ice filled his veins. Memories of the ice entering his arms through the open wounds the stones created flashed by his mind’s eye, wicked laughter echoing off the walls. He so desperately wanted the voice to shut up but it only got louder and louder. 

_Oh, Ferra… You know you’ll never be better than you are now. You’re just a weak, pathetic worm and that’s what you’ll always be. Why not just accept how inferior you are to the world and die like the trash you really are? That’s the only worth you’ll ever have in your sad, shameful life_. 

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as he choked on the lump in his throat. No, he couldn’t break down here. Ven didn’t need to see him like this, see the worst his ugly, flawed self had to offer. He needed to get out of here, back to his home of solitude, and…fall apart. 

Blinking back the tears, he put on the best smile he could muster and, resisting the urge to close his hand around hers, said, “You’re welcome, Ven.” 

The expression on her face changed and she stepped closer to him. “What’s wrong, Ferret?” 

Oh, this was simply unfair. What did he do that was considered to be so wrong to have her eyes be full of concern for him? She didn’t deserve to worry over the likes of someone such as him. He was nothing; why should she care? 

“It’s nothing!” he replied, fighting to keep his voice steady. “Nothing to worry about.” 

“Are you sure?” she asked. He hated lying to her, especially when she looked at him with such care in her eyes, but it was necessary. 

“I’m sure, Ven. I’m okay.” 

“...Okay.” 

She moved back, her shoulders dropping. There’s no way she bought his lie but she dropped the matter, at least. It was for the best; if she kept trying to pry, he probably would’ve bared his soul out to her. It was too small and insignificant of a thing she needn’t trifle with. 

“Hey, listen, I’m gonna head back and try to get some sleep,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “You coming back with me?” 

“Um, yeah, I’ll go.” She turned around, ready to go back the way they came. “I don’t live very far from the docks. I’d just have to find the split in the road and find my way home from there.” 

He wanted to walk into the ocean and drown as he realized the stupidity of his actions. Why the hell did he ask her that? He knew that the more time he spent with her, the deeper he’d fall into his self-loathing. It wasn’t her fault, that he’d never blame her for, but he couldn’t be around her right now. He didn’t deserve the love he had for her and it only served to show the countless amount of flaws he kept buried underneath his mask on full display. 

Climbing up the steps they walked down earlier, they made their way through the inner parts of Aurora Zenith. It was hard for him to pretend that everything was all right when it was the complete opposite. He wished he could run past her and hightail it back home but it was too risky. If she began suspecting something was wrong or, even worse, discover she was the reason for his pain, she’d become wracked with guilt. That was just the kind of person she was and he refused to let that happen. 

Then they came upon the aforementioned fork in the road. Two paths in both directions, one leading to his house and the other presumably hers. He was so close to finally being alone. He just had to keep the charade going for a little longer and then it’d be safe for him to break down with no one around to hear it. 

“This is where I have to go.” She stopped at the foot of the left path. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?” 

“Yeah,” he replied, his voice at the cusp of cracking. “Goodnight, Ven.” 

She bid him goodnight, tucked her hair inside her hood, and went home. He held his wrist back to prevent himself from reaching out for her. The pain washed over him once more as he watched her figure shrink the further she got from him. Soon as she was out of his line of sight, he took off running towards home. 

He fumbled with turning the knob to push open his door. He forgot it had trouble opening from the outside as he struggled to get inside. This was the last thing he needed on top of the piling list of fuck-ups. In a fit of frustration, he threw his arm off to the side and caused a torrent of dirt to shoot out, pelting the nearby leafless bushes with upturned soil and grass. A firm enough push was able to unstuck the door and he stumbled in. 

Closing the door, he leaned his back up against it and slid to the floor. He finally allowed the warm tears to roll down his cheeks as he curled into himself. Sobs wracked his body, his voice growing hoarse from the crying. He wished the truth was wrong but he couldn’t deny it. 

He couldn’t be with her. He wasn’t worthy of being with someone as wonderful and special as her. How could he be deserving of love when he was unimportant, a nobody, nothing? 

She deserved to be with someone who wasn’t worthless. Someone who’d treat her like she was the most precious treasure in the world. Someone who’d cherish her, tell her she was loved everyday, make her as happy as she deserved to be. He couldn’t be that person, no matter how much he wanted to be. 

It wasn’t an issue of him never knowing unless he tried. He knew full well she didn’t reciprocate his feelings and she never would. Why would she when he wouldn’t ever be in the same league as her? They were of two different worlds, he’d be out of place in hers and rightfully so. It was a miracle he hadn’t been dropped yet and maybe it was by her grace he was allowed to stay with her. 

What was he going to do now? Avoiding her was out of the question, though he couldn’t tell if it was because he didn’t want her to believe she was the reason for it or his inability to handle being away from her for long. The way he looked at it, he was screwed either way. He couldn’t be with or without her and he wasn’t sure if he could strike a balance between the two. 

Still, he planned on keeping his love for her a secret. He had a few guesses on how she’d react if she ever found out but that was a big if. For now, he just needed to figure out a way he could be content with being her friend while sparing himself the pain. It’d take time and it’d be difficult but… 

He loved her and he’d be okay with never being more than her friend.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/multisfabulis) for updates concerning upcoming projects and OC fluff!


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